Stevie's Top 10

My cat Stevie's top 10 "F-YOU" moments:

#10 On his way home from the pet store, he peed in the cardboard kitty carrier. Where was it? Oh, in my lap. I had to throw those jeans away. But considering it was 1999, they were probably no big loss. I was pretty poor back then, though, so it was a probably a big deal.

#9 One day I had to take him to the vet and he led me on a mega chase around my house, finally escaping into a spot so small and so hidden that I had to cancel the appointment, to my great embarrassment.

#8 When we moved in to our current place, I was excited that the master bedroom window sill was flush with the headboard. That was, until Stevie decided to do his late night circling. He would walk along our nightstands, on the window sill which at the time had venetian blinds that went "clack clack" as he went by, and across our ankles. For hours! I had to change the position of the bed until one day I got curtains and virtually emptied the tops of the nightstands. That's how we live now.

#7 Do you ever feel like your cat's servant? It's never more pronounced than when you are about to fall asleep and he jumps on your chest and butts his head into your chin or your hand, demanding rubs and attention. And if you stop, be prepared for a tackle of sorts. If you don't let him do his little "happy feet" thing on your belly, you are in for it. You have to suffer those little claw pin pricks until he decides that he's satisfied. It's like battered owner's syndrome.

#6 Stevie hates reading. He's anti-literacy in general. If you are reading something, he tries to lay right on it. Sometimes, if you leave a magazine or the LA Weekly on the floor, he shreds it. Angrily! If you have papers laid out on the floor for something important, like an exam, he's all about laying across them and pushing them wherever he wants. Because he hates that you are reading. It gets in the way of the worship of Stevie, which is what is most important, after all.

#5. His medical care is ridiculous. He has a heart murmur and constant dental problems. The cat has to have extractions every time he goes to the vet, and they want to do full heart and blood work-ups each time, which is expensive. And then he has this over the top after-care, that consists of liquid medicine. Have you had to give 4 droppers full of liquid medicine to a cat who has had multiple extractions on both sides of his mouth? How do you get them in there? You have to squeeze his mouth to get him to open it, which I imagine hurts like hell. This means you are now the proud owner of medicine stained clothing and lovely rips of flesh down your arms! Congrats! The F-you in this case is deserved, but it sucks to get such a cold shoulder after shelling out bunches of money on the guy.

#4 Cats with dental problems can't clean themselves very well sometimes. When it gets real bad or when an extraction has just happened, forget it. He's a mess. He's long haired, so he gets these dread locks and matted areas. Then he definitely needs a bath, but he hates baths. I have worn layers of clothing, including hoodies and still got drenched and cut up from giving this guy a bath. Afterwards he gives you a bitchy look like you just enjoy torturing him.

#3 If you leave something near the edge of a dresser or desk, well, I hope you like it on the floor. His favorite thing to do when he's up high is toss stuff off and watch it fall. When it's crumpled paper it's cute. "Oh, he's playing soccer!" But when it's a figurine or a pair of earrings, you get kind of pissed. This morning at 4 am when we tried to ignore him, he knocked over about 5 lipsticks that were on my dresser. One. By. One.

#2 The aforementioned late night demands for food, with repeated intervals of meowing and walking over you until you damn well get up and do what he asks. Tonight, the water gun comes out. I'm almost a little afraid of the aftermath.

#1 Once while I was reading a book, he just peed right on the carpet in front of me and walked away. That's a total F-You.

I still love ya Stevie. You're one of a kind. Please stop waking me up at 4 am.

MEOW!

It is 7am right now, and I've been up since about 4am. Why? That face up there staring and meowing at me to get up and feed him. Stevie, my cat, has reverted to his kitteny days and decides to wake me up hella early to feed him. 6am was his normal feeding time. Then it went to about 5am, and last night ushered in 4 am, which I still call "last night." This is because now that he has so few teeth, he can't really eat dry food, so he has less food laid out for him. Not less food, mind you, we feed him more packets of wet food than before, just the appearance of less food.

Those of you that have cats, what do you do in this situation? He will meow for like hours if you don't get up. Pushing him and saying "no" doesn't seem to work. And now I'm all bleary-eyed!

De-fanged

Ok, it's been a busy Spring Break. I'm tired rather than relaxed and I haven't put a big enough dent in the grading I had hoped to do.

My cat Stevie has been eating in a rather painful way lately, and since I know he has had dental problems in the past, I made an appointment with the vet. He eventually needed 6 teeth extracted at once! So painful!


As soon as I put him in the crate to go to the vet, he let out his distress warble, which sounded throughout the apartment complex at high volume. I swear when I came back from the vet, all the cats in the complex were in the windows giving me the stink eye. Even my dog, Radley, made a whimpering noise at the drama of the warble.

Stevie doesn't have too many teeth left. And his bottom canines were removed, so he's walking around with his tongue stuck out a bit. Thankfully, his extended fang, or snaggle tooth, is OK. For those of you who know him, it's his trademark, and I thought you'd want to know he's still got it. Poor Steve. I'll try and get a pic of the tongue business, it's sad/hilarous. It cost way too much, but at least he will feel better and apparently cats don't spend too much time on chewing their food anyway. Who knew?

I also helped my mom re-do her master bedroom. I will post a pic of that too. It's a super cool blue room with a horizontal stripe in a lighter blue. I made a headboard too, using my HGTV design skillz. I made a very impressive 6-foot high headboard out of wood, with four giant square padded paneled inserts that she can change out and/or clean. It was two days of manual labor, which I haven't really done in any concentrated way in a while. The second day I woke up sore but pushed through because I wanted to see the finished project (or, as I say it in my TV addled brain, "the reveal"). The third day, my day of rest, I was a wretched creature. Hobbled by the thousand or so squats I did to paint and move furniture, every move just screamed at me, "it wouldn't hurt so bad if you went to the gym ever, you big sloth." Several days later, I still feel the burn. But at least it cured my home improvement jones, and I got to help my mom, which I don't get a chance to do too often, unfortunately.

Thankfully, I spent today relaxing, which is nice. I saw I Love You, Man. Not so hot as a film, but Paul Rudd and Jason Segel have a chemistry that can't be denied. Also, it follows the formula of a romantic comedy, only it's between two straight dudes. I liked that. But it had a scene with vomit, which cancels it out from ever being considered a good film by yours truly. Can't stand the sight of it in real life or on the screen. And there was a whole scene with projectile vomit onto another person. Unexcusable. Ugh...

So, to recap, I'm broke, tired, and my muscles ache, and none of it is related to a hot week in Daytona. And yet, it's still better than my worst Spring Break of all time, in which I had my wisdom teeth removed. I went home from the dorms to recover, and even though my boyfriend at the time was in the same town, he didn't visit me once during my recovery. I had giant cheeks filled with cotton swabs, a tortuous memory of the extraction (I made the stupid decision to stay awake during the surgery with a local, rather than sleeping through it--DON'T DO IT), and a shitty boyfriend. Oh, and my room at home had been turned into the TV room, which means I slept on a fold out couch.

So all in all, not too much to complain about.