I hate "Free Bird"

Have we met? If we have, then you probably know that I hate the song "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Seriously, when M. called me up and asked me on our first date, he asked what I wanted to do and I said I didn't care as long as it doesn't involve Adam Corolla or "Free Bird." Why do I bring this up? Because I was watching VH1's best hard rock songs of all time and it was really high, like #26. Unconscionable. And because while watching the news recap of the shuttle launch from earlier this week, they showed the crew listening to "Free Bird" in space. IN SPACE.

I mean, this is a band that consistently performed in front of the rebel flag. That alone gets you my ire. Secondly, their one good song "Sweet Home Alabama" disses Neil Young for singing an anti-racist, anti-cross burning song ("Southern Man" which annoys me melodically, but not thematically). I get that they don't want outsiders (northerners, yankees, whatever) telling them how to act, but hell, there was mass cross burning going on! And lynching! And fucked up shit! You don't get a pass because you came up with sweet tea and bbq.

But I digress. My thesis on "Free Bird" is as follows:

This song is an ode to free loading musicians who subsist completely on the kindness of ladies in every town. A song for assholes, if you will. The guy in the song tells his girlfriend that he has to leave because he's "free as a bird," and she can't change him (btw, this doesn't really make a lot of sense, if you think about birds. They are really kind of monogamous, as well as -duh-nesters) It's central to the groupie/musician dynamic that chicks remain bummed and awaiting your return. And of course willing to provide free room and board (and sex) to subsidize your drug habit/guitar breaking habit/silver belt buckle habit. Eff those dudes.


And "Free Bird" is just one of these kinds of songs. You've got the Allman Brothers' "Ramblin' Man" and "Ruby Soho" by Rancid. Dudes with guitars, apparently, will totally leave your ass. And they are really really (pretending to be) sorry about it, but it's just the way it is. Can't change 'em.

I would like to say that the answer would be to have songs by women about leaving men behind, but it is not the same. We just don't live in a world where women get respect for having a guy in every town. The words used to describe women who are "free birds" has historically been more like "soiled doves."

Now, for the record, I've never been left by or dated a musician. I don't know why I hate it so much. I think what also makes me hate it is that it is a really whiny cop out. Even the way it is sung is whiny. So much so that the band often performed it as their encore and it would stretch to 14 minutes long! So not only is it shitty lyrically, thematically, and melodically, it becomes a noodly jam session. No thanks! It's everything that's wrong with music.

Thesis complete.